Archive for September, 2009

Shannon Des Roches Rosa
Junior High

I’m wearing Gloria Vanderbilt jeans as I type. Got them and a pair of Calvin Kleins at Costco, for seventeen dollars per pair — which doesn’t exactly scream quality. Since Costco’s lack of dressing rooms means I didn’t try them on beforehand, and they are lycra-laced while I fear belts, they require constant hitching by day’s end.

Yet I love them, ecstatically and nostalgically, as only a former designer-jeans-craving junior high school girl from the earliest 80’s can.

We were obsessed with designer jeans in upper elementary and junior high school, thanks to various brands’ aggressive marketing campaigns and a steady diet of their TV commercials. We wanted Calvin Kleins so we could writhe into spoken-word poses like Brooke Shields! We wanted to sport Gloria Vanderbilt’s name proudly, on our bottoms! We wanted Jordache, we wanted Sassoon, we wanted Sergio Valente, we wanted Bon Jour.

But designer jeans were expensive — around $50 each, in non-adjusted 1981 dollars. And I came from a family in which three rowdy, growing brothers blew through or blew out several pairs of jeans each year. My parents had not been brainwashed into designer jeans worship, and weren’t about to spend crazy money on clothes they considered casual and utilitarian.

My parents didn’t understand how my heart ached for designer jeans. I wanted them. I needed them. When friends had me over to show off their new jeans, I would palm the discarded informational tags so I could take them home and pore over them: “The Sassoon fit is extremely tight! You may need to lie on your back, on the floor, in order to zip them up.” I resented my plain beige Health-Tex trousers, which came with no such warning labels.

My friends and I talked about designer jeans all the time. We wrote comic strips featuring characters like Gloria Vanderbutt. I even wrote a play, “Jeans and Stuff,” — a nasty work of petty tweener materialism and social seething that my friend Michael’s mother agreed to type up (Why? How could she stand it?) and which I still have, although I cannot bring myself to read it.

My parents eventually gave in, probably so they wouldn’t have to listen to my whining. They took me to a jeans warehouse carrying all the brands I craved — Calvin Kleins and Gloria Vanderbilts excepted — for less than $20 each. By seventh grade, and through throwing all of my back-to-school points and paper route funds at that store, I had amassed five (5!) pairs of designer jeans. (Counterfeiting never even pinged my one-track mind.)

I wrote up a jeans schedule and posted it over the white & gilt headboard of my butterfly fabric canopy bed — where a good little Catholic girl would have a picture of Jesus — so I would not sin and wear the same jeans on the same day of the week, two weeks in a row. I would sometimes assign tops (I had  a few Izod shirts of equally questionable  origin, one lavender dress shirt with a matching pink-and-purple argyle vest, and a maroon velour v-neck shirt that I really loved), but ensembles weren’t really the point. I was wearing designer jeans, and, by their distinctively patterned, signature pocket designs, all the junior high world would look upon me, and despair!

Not that wearing the right jeans helped my social status. I remained, as I still do, a huge dork. But the right jeans made me a happy dork. And now, through the rekindled magic of warehouse shopping, I’m a happy dork once again.

Annie Fox is a fantastic social skills problem-solving resource for tweens, tweens and their parents, via her Middle School Confidential book series and her online Hey Terra! teen advice column. She also has several upcoming Bay Area speaking engagements and workshops. Her website is www.anniefox.com, and you can also follow Annie on Twitter.

Our thanks to Annie for graciously letting us feature a sampling of her Hey Terra! questions and answers about teens and bullying on Can I Sit With You? today. We hope teen readers (and their parents and teachers) will find this information useful.

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“I want to leave the mean girls but part of me doesn’t.”

Hey Terra,

I want to make the change from being in the popular mean girl group to the nice people. The nice people have accepted me but I’ve seen a few friends from the popular group and I realize it’s going to be hard to tell them I want to leave! I have best friends in the non-populars, but I’m starting to freak out because what if when I get back to school I’ll see them and be like “I should be with them!” Today at orientation two of the girls were in the corners gossiping and half of me wanted to join them but I pulled away! What should I do??

Nice Bitch

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Dear Nice Bitch,

Whenever you’re having trouble deciding what to do, it’s a good idea to look at your options and weigh the PROS and CONS. This exercise can help you compare the benefits of being with the “nice” people vs. the “popular mean girl group.”

After you’re finished, take a look at the two lists. Decide what makes more sense to you.

A word of caution: If you decide to move away from the “mean” girls towards the nice ones there might be some fall-out. Worst case, the mean girls may try to turn others against you. I’m not suggesting that you ought to freak out and worry about this now. That would be foolish and a waste of your energy. Just be aware of that as a possibility. If it happens, know that you have the ability to deal with it in a mature and peaceful way. On a positive note, it’s possible that some or all of the “mean” girls will be inspired by your choice and realize that they don’t want to be thought of as “mean” any more because it’s not really who they are! It would be a pretty cool thing if by being true to yourself you motivated others to do the same.

By the way, there’s no such thing as a “Nice Bitch.” Either the “real” you is a nice girl … Or you’re not. Can’t have it both ways. Ask: How do I see myself? How do I want others to see me?

In friendship,

Terra

“I can’t help it if I have breasts and they don’t!”

Hey Terra,

I am 11 years old and I have a period and unlike the zillions of girls in my school, I have big breasts as well. It’s embarrassing when we have physical education classes because we have to change in front of everybody else and if I change in the stalls, which have doors and locks, I would be laughed at. Recently someone looked in my schoolbag and found my pads! She scattered them on the floor and I had to pick them up all by myself! What can I do?

Embarrassed

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Dear Embarrassed,

The girl who scattered your pads on the floor was acting in an unkind and immature way. My guess is that she felt a little jealous because you had already reached this phase in your physical development and she hadn’t. That made her feel “less than” you. Sometimes when people feel “less than” someone else, they try to put the other person down. It’s nuts, but that’s what some people do when they feel jealous.

I know it’s hard to be different from other girls at this time, but I guarantee it won’t be too long before other girls “catch up” to you when it comes to breast development and the rest.

I know, I know, you wish your breasts were smaller right now so you could blend right in. (And I get regular emails from girls who wish they had larger breasts!) Bigger, smaller … And then you think all of your problems will be over. It’s not about your body. It’s about the “real” you … your gifts and talents and how you use them to help others.

None of us get to choose the body we’re born with and even though you are currently having issues with the size of your breasts, they are a part of your body which serves you in so many amazing ways. Since you can’t change your breasts, you need to work with whatever you can control … And that’s your point of view. You’ve decided that it’s “embarrassing” to have those breasts. What if you shifted that opinion just a bit and decided that “these breasts are OK just the way they are.”

If I were you, I’d talk to the P.E. teacher privately, calmly, and respectfully. Let her know what happened with the pads. Let her know how you feel about changing in front of the others and LISTEN to what she says. I guarantee you’re not the first student she’s had with these feeling. Do yourself a favor and talk to your teacher. She will help you feel less uncomfortable about the changes going on.

In friendship,

Terra

“What can you do when people just stop talking to you?”

Hey Terra,

You just recently visited my school. I enjoyed your talk, but it also made my friend and I a little uneasy. You talked about how sometimes friends grow apart, and sometimes people just don’t like each other anymore. Well that has happened to my friend and I. Last year everyone was getting in fights and there seemed to be different groups that all hated each other. This year I thought things would be different and everyone could just get along… and they did, at first.Everything was going fine until one day our whole class just stopped talking to me and my friend. Our other friends would just walk by us and glare at us like we had done something wrong. People would talk about us behind out backs and laugh as we walked by. We had no idea what was going on. I chose to talk to one of my friends about it and she said that she wasn’t mad at me, but that it just seemed like I was too depressed to have friends. This I did not understand. I was never depressed and I always thought that I was actually a happy person. The only time when I was quiet or sad was when no one would talk to me besides my friend (the one that people were also mad at). I don’t know what to do, and my friend and I are very confused. Please help.

Very Confused and Lonely

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Dear Very Confused and Lonely,

People can be very insensitive, can’t they? I have no idea why some of you “friends” would choose to “just walk by” and “glare” at you. I’m very glad you and your friend have each other, but I’m sure you’d like this negative behavior toward you to stop.

Like I said when I came to your school: you don’t get to control the way other people act (or how they feel or what they think). But you can control your choices. One of the choices within your control at this time is to talk to the people involved. You say you did talk to one friend who said she “wasn’t mad” at you. This explanation she offered about your being “too depressed to have friends” is not helpful, even though she probably thought it would be. I mean, what are you supposed to do with that information!?

My suggestion is that you talk to one of the school counselors. I guarantee that you will be listened to with respect and receive some good advice. Talking to them about what’s going on would be an excellent choice on your part.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,

Terra

“I’m teased at school and all my mom says is ‘Ignore them.’”

Hey Terra,

The kids at my school tease me because I’m a vegetarian and I’m not good at sports. I feel like I don’t have any real friends because they’re constantly telling me how weird I am, and this one girl, that I have to sit next to, enjoys throwing my pens and notebooks off my desk. I’ve tried telling my mom about this, but all of the things she told me to do didn’t work, like ignoring them and laughing with them. The say my food is gross and they never listen to what I have to say. Sometimes I get so frustrated, that I start screaming at them. Then they ask me why I’m so mad. It’s like they purposely upset me for fun. What should I do?

Still Screaming

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Dear Still Screaming,

Thanks for writing. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a rough time right now. What these kids are doing is rude, insensitive, and cruel. I can’t say that I understand why they are doing it, but I totally understand why this is so upsetting to you.

Your mom loves you and she is trying to help with the advice she’s giving, but it’s not working. That’s not your fault or her fault.

Please show your mom this email and talk to her again. Let her know that you need her help in getting through to the adults at school.

The law says that every school is responsible for the safety of all of its students (that means physical safety and emotional safety). Teasing is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Either with your mom’s intervention or on your own, you need to speak up and let teachers, the principal and the school counselor know what is going on and how you feel about it.

It’s their job to make sure this behavior stops. The students who are teasing you also have parents who ought to know what’s going on. Get your mom to get in touch with their parents. Teasing is serious business and kids need to get the message that it’s NEVER OK to make fun of people.

If you talk to the principal, etc., and nothing changes, then have your mom go to the school board.

Keep speaking out. It’s your right to go to school without being teased.

By writing to me you show that you have courage and that you want to make a change. That’s awesome. Now I hope my reply gives you the courage you need to take the next step.

Let me know what happens. I care about you.

In friendship,

Terra